Self Reflection

Wouldn’t it be amazing if everyone always took your side? Anytime something bad happens to you, the world around you stops what it is doing and supports you to let you know that you were right and the person who hurt you is wrong... This is not a reality, nor would it be a healthy solution. We are given challenges as human beings to try and figure out how to deal with problems.

I would love to slander anyone’s name who has hurt me or disrespected me. I want to scream all the wrong they have done and all the pain they have caused so that every person can see how it was not my fault. They are the problem. But that’s not how the world works. That is not how responsibility works, and it would be damn hypocritical if I complained about being disrespected and then slandering that persons name.

We all make mistakes, inevitably hurting people we love and care about. What makes it worse is that we live in a world where stories travel quickly, even amongst the largest of communities. Stories that have falsehoods or bias or both depending on the situation. It is a gross feeling to know that when we make mistakes they get blasted on a global stage from others fingers. We also tend to put our healing out into the world through social media. I mean, look at what I am doing. I am putting my hurt on a global stage knowing that others will speculate or pass judgement or say how horrible I am. This is life. Hurt is hurt and how someone processes it and moves forward is a large part of the learning curve.

In the past week, I have cried, drank, driven, run, screamed, and laughed. I have been dealing with a loss of what I thought would be forever, but also with the absence of a friend. I have been shown love and support by my friends, role models, and family. I have tried my hardest to be as respectful as possible as well as being myself. I have reflected on every word said, all the players involved, all of the moments that hurt, and I have let them go. I have breathed and moved forward. I have accepted that many people will call me a bitch for standing up for myself. I have accepted that a lot of girls will think I’m awful for what I have done or how I did it. To be honest, I really don’t care. I am moving forward, and leaving the past to be a learning experience. I can’t mentally afford to keep letting everything that was said and done continue to hurt me. This too shall pass.

Just another thing to tell my therapist.