Depression.

I have always been depressed. I do not mean that I was constantly sad, or I was over dramatic (although this one is not completely wrong); I have just always been clinically depressed. I constantly thought about death, made everything a fight or flight response, and made drastic decisions for simple problems. Depression has always been a part of me, etched into my DNA so no one could see it, but I could feel it.

Growing up with depression was hard, especially since I had no idea what it was or how to describe to people why I was in constant emotional pain. When you are an 11 year old, you barely have the vocabulary to describe illness symptoms, so how would you be equipped to describe mental ailments? I wandered through teenage years thinking I was ugly, nobody liked me, and that I was never good enough. I found ways to cope: I joined NFTY, I played Tennis, I went running. None of these coping methods were cures like I wanted them to be, they usually fueled other addictive parts of my personality. I would run 7-8 miles in an hour and eat nothing but a piece of toast afterwards because I just wanted to continue running. I went to NFTY and used it as an excuse of why I couldn’t do homework, why I was spending money, etc. It took me until I was 21 to learn that depression has no cure. Medications never worked for me, they just brought out the worst parts of me. I was lethargic, unemotional, less myself. Exercise cycled into disorders that weren’t who I was, but became an additional part of me, only this time people could physically see its effects.

Towards the end of my 21st year on the planet, I developed a drinking problem that had to do with a traumatic experience in Cuba caused by my classmates. I was drinking excessively so I wouldn’t have to think about the past. Coping was not curing.

I went to therapy on campus and talked to someone because I knew I had to. If I didn’t seek out help, I would never get any. I remember she talked to me about ways of coping that were healthier: go on a walk, spend time with friends. Essentially she was giving me the same advice I had received at camp as a counselor; when a kid is having a moment of sadness (MOS), the best cure is friends and things to do. Basically, distraction is key to coping.

Since being back home in Santa Cruz for the summer, I have had ups and downs with my depression. It is hard to talk about, even with all my friends here knowing about my struggles with mental illness. I have rarely been the person to ask friends for help with problems, and in college I found it easier because there were constantly people around me who had similar if not the same schedules that I did. So recently I have felt like a huge support system was taken from me, and I have to rebuild on my own.

Instead of sitting in my room alone watching TV, I have been going on walks with the dog I am pet sitting for, Zohar. He is a black lab who likes going on walks at 7am, and loves playing fetch. This has forced me into a routine: I wake up at 6:30, get dressed, grab my phone and headphones, greet Zohar, and walk the stretch of the beach with a ball in hand. After our two mile walk, we come home, eat breakfast, get some summer school work done, and then go on a second walk, usually only a mile. Depending on if I have class, we relax and I study while he sleeps (and snores) and then we eat dinner and go on a long (4 mile) walk along the coastline. Zohar has been my blessing because he literally forces me out of the house. I have to care for him, and I cannot use the excuse of not being in the mood for it. I have to do it. This has helped break the cycle of depression while being back home. I have also started reaching out to friends. When you have depression, you get it in your head that you have no friends, or that no one likes you. It can be debilitating and isolating, but my therapist told me that the key to breaking that is to go out and talk to people you know.

If you have recieved phone calls or facebook messages from me, it is because I miss you in my life, but also I am making sure that my friends don’t feel isolated like I do. I love the people in my life, they are 11s on scales of one to ten, and it breaks my heart knowing that so many of my friends feel the same way that I do.

Depression sucks, it is painful and stressful, and it can lead to more problems when you do nothing to seek help OR NOBODY HELPS YOU SEEK IT OUT. Be there for your friends. Ask them how they are. Fit them into your schedule. Call them. Bring up your own struggles, relate to them even if you feel like you cant because you do not have a mental illness. Everyone has moments of sadness, and everyone should live by the motto of ‘give them friends and things to do’. BE THERE. Bare minimum send a text.

Suicide Hotline number: 1-800-273-8255

Let this be something you tell your therapist.