Freedom

I have been trying to find the words to talk about what has gone on in my life for the last four months. It has been impossibly hard to even get help for because I kept telling myself it wasn’t that bad. I woke up every morning trying to avoid the people in my house and wouldn’t come home until I knew that I was the only person who would be up. I tiptoed around everything, planned my life around everyone, and took on too much to help me avoid the issues.

My housemates destroyed my feeling of safety. They made rules to make me feel as uncomfortable as possible in a house that I was paying rent in. They caused this fear that anytime I did anything it would be posted in the group chat, shaming me. I was constantly under attack and being monitored by these people who did not meet their own standards.

It got to the point where I literally considered dropping out because of how awful they were to me.

Thank god I have a strong community of adults and leaders who care about me and opened their homes to me when I told them what I was dealing with. I am out of that hell, but even knowing I am now in a safe place, I am still dealing with the side effects of trauma. I went to the hospital on Friday to find out why I couldn’t stop throwing up, my whole body hurt, and I felt dehydrated. They ER told me I was physically fine and that these were psychological problems. I have gone to therapy, been referred to psychiatrists, and gone through the gambit of dealing with this immense stress that has been thrust upon me by these people who do not care about anyone but themselves.

I moved into my new house on Sunday. I finally feel like I can breathe again, and my heart is finally able to beat properly again. I am now going to therapy weekly instead of every other week, I am getting acupuncture to relieve the pressure in my neck and shoulders, and I am trying to get out as much as possible to develope a new routine.

For two weeks I have been crying with no actual way to stop because the stress and physical pain have been so unbearable. I was told by my therapist that there are 100 things I could do, but all of them included confrontation that would just mean more petty bull shit.

The irony is I graduate in 8 weeks. In 8 weeks, I will be out of Davis and back in my hometown until I move into my new apartment in September.

After this year lease, I will be moving into a studio in Sac just to get away from the stresses of people for the time being. I think I am traumatized by living with others, mainly because this is not the first time I have had horrible housemates. Each time I think that I need to live with people to be happy or feel motivated but at this point it is just damaging me more.

I have found temporary freedom in my new home, but I am still looking for complete freedom. Time will tell I guess.

And this is something I will tell my therapist.