Living with Anxiety

Have you ever felt like you were gonna throw up by stepping into a room? Your hands are shaking, you feel light headed, and everything is getting fuzzy... You can hear people and things around you, but every time you breathe you feel like someone is punching you in the stomach like you stole Mike Tyson’s pigeon. Everything is painful, breathing becomes painful. You sit down to try and regain some sort of awareness of your surroundings, but you still feel like you are in a blank room and the walls are getting closer together and there is no door in sight.

Apparently, this is not normal. It is part of a disorder called Anxiety. Sure, normal people feel anxious sometimes. Stage fright is a common shared anxiety. We are anxious when the leader of this country talks about nuclear weapons. These moments pass for most people though, and their day moves on where they can think of other things. I am not one of those people.

I have always been anxious, but it wasn’t until I was 15 and had stroke symptoms that I realized I was different. I remember the day that I went upstairs to my parents room and told my mom that I had really bad chest pain and couldn’t feel my left arm. I remember all of the events that led up to that moment too. I was paralyzed with a fear that I no longer had any friends in high school, and they all hated me. I went to the emergency room with my mom and was immediately hooked up to an EKG. I was prescribed Xanax, lorazepam and Celexa that day. I later learned that I am allergic to all three.

My life with anxiety has been a roller coaster. There were days that I was functional without any type of medication, and I could go into the world and be productive and happy. Then there were the bad days, where I would come home and have severe panic attacks on my couch and couldn’t stop sobbing for hours at a time. Life with anxiety was never a picnic, and it was especially hard on my family and friends that watched it happen.

When I went abroad, it was the worst it has been in years. I threw up for 7 days straight because of my disorder and the way it makes me see situations. I turned to NyQuil while I was there and developed an addiction since it was the only thing that would knock me out and help me forget what had happened during the day. When I came home, I smoked canabis everyday for three months because it was the only thing that made me feel ok. It was the only thing that could dispel my horrors that I faced in Cuba. It is weird to think back on that time now and I have to wonder if people in my life were ever concerned about this problem. Were people aware that I was abusing drugs to feel ok? Did they look past it because it was weed is legal and I had a medical card?

I want to make it really clear, I do not think weed is a devil drug, but it is bullshit that people do not believe it is addictive. It didn’t destroy my life or take away all my money like Heroin or Meth do. It didn’t make my hair fall out or ruin my teeth. It just made me unmotivated. Everyday I woke up feeling more and more tired, and without it, I was extremely irritable. Someone could look at me the wrong way and I was ridiculously paranoid. But this is a whole other problem, so lets return to anxiety.

What people don’t always say when they have anxiety is that it is coupled with depression. This means that you aren’t depressed all the time, but when you are depressed it is that much worse. Not only are you unmotivated and stagnant, but you have the added joy of thinking everyone around you hates you and that every problem you have ever faced is actually that much worse.

These days, my anxiety is still really hard. I have moments where I feel like I am going to throw up because someone in a class brought up race. I have constant moments of terror anytime I am in a crowded space and cannot see a clear path to an exit. I don’t drive on busy streets during high traffic hours because I am convinced I will be in an accident. Anxiety is still a living part of my life, and everyday that I wake up there is some part of me that is not as ok as it could be. I no longer smoke everyday, I actually go weeks without it. I don’t drink ever. I haven’t taken NyQuil since I had a really gnarly cold in January. I try to exercise more, and get out of my house everyday. I go on drives, I go hiking, I date, I spend time with friends. All of this happens and it helps me not focus on the less amazing parts of my life.

The thing about anxiety is that it never really goes away. You can take medication, you can self medicate, you can go to a therapist (all things that work to relieve anxiety and in no way should stop because of my own issues!!!!) but you will still feel anxiety at certain points in life. The difference between who I was when I was 15 having stroke symptoms and who I am at 22 is this: I understand that these feelings will end. I am aware that everything has a conclusion and that my life will continue regardless of whether or not someone likes me, or a boy tells me I’m pretty, or a friend cancels plans. I will survive because after the shit storm I have been dealt, I am positive that I will be okay.

This is the thing with being anxious. You convince yourself it wont end, but it always does. Even for twenty minutes when you watch your favorite show, or when you go for a run and just listen to music, or you are laughing till you cry because your friend tells that embarrassing story of what happened in 3rd grade. You forget the bad stuff and you move forward because anxiety isn’t forever. It just feels that way in the moment. On days like today, I have to remind myself that it has to end and that there is no way that this will last forever.

Living with anxiety is really difficult. It is a constant battle between logic and the hypotheticals. I just remind myself when it gets really bad that 1) it is ok to not be ok, and 2) it is going to end.

This is definitely something I already tell my therapist.