To all the boys I’ve loved before

Sometimes, you meet people who are absolutely wonderful. They are kind and caring and empathetic and supportive and intelligent and handsome/gorgeous. What could possibly be wrong with such a fantastic human being in your life? I have had the honor and privilege of meeting absolutely incredible men. Men who have changed my perspective in such a tumultuous world where #metoo is validated louder and prouder than ever before. The men in my life are wonderful guys, ones who have listened to me cry, watched me make mistakes, and yet they still love me and care about me. Some of these guys have been romantic partners. Some have just stayed in the friendship zone. Others have just been passers by who have made me laugh when I desperately needed it. So again, what could be wrong with these guys that would make it so hard to date them or fall in love? I have an annoying and obnoxious quirk of finding a “but” in everyone. “He’s sweet and kind, but he lives far away”. “He’s so hot but he can’t spell”. I could go on, but that wouldn’t be fair to the guys in my life. It is not their fault that I’m picky and rude and know exactly what I want. That last part is the lie, just in case you were curious as to where one is. These guys are great people, and there is nothing more that I want them for them to find happiness in their lives. I am just painfully aware that I can’t be that person who brings them happiness. I’m a comedian and a goofball. I’m genetically “pretty”. Guys like to be able to brag about how I’m pretty and funny. This sounds like a case of boosted ego, but it’s really not. I have far too many faults to believe that being pretty and funny are the only two things a girl needs to be noticed in this world. All of the guys I have ever dated have told me how pretty I am and how funny I am. They brag to their friends when they meet me. All of the guys who have entered my life have taught me something. The most recent taught me that I can’t change how I feel regardless of how much I want to. I’m not a girl who can fake being in love regardless of how incredible and amazing that person is, and I’m also not a girl who can balance my own feelings and responsibilities with someone else’s. I can barely handle my own schedule and life, I can not be someone else’s pillar of stability. I think the main point of me writing this can only be explained through list form. 1. To all the guys in my life, thank you for loving and supporting me in whichever capacity you could. 2. Please don’t blame yourself that things didn’t work out, it really wasn’t you, it was me. 3. Thanks for finding me pretty and funny, but really shout out to the guys who made me feel like more than that. 

I guess this is something else I will have to tell my therapist.