Listening vs Hearing

I am someone who hears noises around my house when no one else is home. It scares the crap out of me, mainly because I have seen every episode of Criminal Minds, but also because I watched so many ghost related shows as a child. A bump in the night could be the difference between my water heater or a serial killer coming to take my toes as a prize. Regardless, I hear things.

I listen to music. Music can change my mood depending on the lyrics that are sang or the tone in the songs. When I listen to something, I fully grasp it, I think or even overthink what was said/sang/played, and it connects with some part of me. Sometimes when I listen, I am given a new perspective or understanding, other times I am forced to reevaluate my own stance on a topic, and other times I am forced to cope with my own feelings, now knowing that someone else feels them too.

The difference between hearing and listening for me is simple, when I hear something, I am startled but unaware of what the message is directly. When I listen, I have to use several senses to unpack what was said/sang/played to me. So when I tell someone something, I expect them to listen, not just hear me. I expect there to be an understanding of what was said, questions to clarify if I was unclear, and a response that lets me know that they understood.

This past week, I learned that some people do not know the difference between listening and hearing, and that their own needs come before those around them. This wasn’t something brand new that I learned, it was something that was made more clear to me.

I confronted a difficult situation this week, one that I need to keep vague for personal reasons, but one that involved one other person. I had told this person multiple times things that bothered me that hurt my feelings or the feelings of those around us. I had confronted this person and told them I needed space. For 10 weeks, this person ignored that plea, then they were surprised and hurt when I ignored them for the sake of my own mental health. They confronted me to tell me that I was a bully. This is a laughable accusation, especially considering that I teach fourth graders how to deal with bullies, but I listened to their accusations and their feelings. I listened to their understanding of the situation, apologized when I felt it was necessary. Then I told my side of the story, bringing up the multiple times that I confronted the situation, explaining the numerous times I asked for space to which they asked me to clarify what space is. When I CLEARLY defined it, they acted surprised, like space is a difficult concept. They then blatantly said that they did not understand space because it was difficult for them to grasp. I was dumbstruck. They clearly only heard me, they did not listen to me or my needs or what I had worked so hard to convey. The situation was resolved, kind of, but more importantly, it made me change my entire perspective about this person. I lost complete respect for them, because now I know that they do not care at all about anyone but themselves because other peoples needs are unimportant. They want to be listened to, but they cannot do it. This goes against the golden rule: “Treat others as you wish to be treated”. It is safe to say that this was a learning experience for me, but it also helped clarify the meanings for me. Listening and hearing are similar but very different. Again, this is just something I will tell my therapist.