Boundaries and Why We Need Them

BI am not perfect. I cross the line and put my foot in my mouth at least once a day. If you know me on a personal level, you are very aware that I misspeak or say something that didn’t come off as I needed it to. 99% of the time, I will apologize when I’m aware of it and ensure that you are ok. That other 1% goes unfixed because in my head I cannot figure out what I said wrong. 

Boundaries help with people saying the wrong thing, especially in traumatic situations. Everyone in songs and movies wants you to believe that you put up walls or have a guard because you are damaged, and there will be a guy/girl/person who will break down your boundaries and fix all of your previous traumas. Surprisingly, this is not how the world works. 

Boundaries, I think, are for friends, new and old, who need to know what is ok to talk about and what isn’t. My friends know my boundaries are problems; I cannot sit down and listen to problems that they aren’t fixing themselves or trying to remedy in some way. It gives me anxiety when friends present a problem and do not even try to fix it. I like to fix things or plan out an approach to fixing these things. 

I can’t think of a single time where I’ve had to say to someone I know that “x, y, and z” are my boundaries. It’s not something that necessarily needs to be blatantly stated, but some people find it necessary, especially after those boundaries have been crossed. 

This year, I have done some growing up in that term. I realized that some of my friends in college didn’t get my boundaries even if I thought I had been perfectly clear. I don’t hug people often. I don’t cuddle with friends unless they have been in my life for YEARS. I don’t like being driven by friends. These are my boundaries. Some of my friends that I have made at Davis understood and acknowledged these as my quirks that could be respected. 

Some people didn’t. 

At any time, if someone interrupts your boundaries or makes you uncomfortable, you are allowed to say something. This year, I have dealt with people who blatantly ignored my boundaries and then when I spoke up for myself, I was ignored again. People always act surprised when I start to ignore them or distance myself when they cross boundaries and I’ve told them about it. It’s almost laughable at how ironic it is to say “hey, you did this and it’s bothering me. I need this to stop” and they keep going. 

Boundaries are the things that keep people sane and comfortable and allow you to have stable and healthy relationships. They are not challenges. 

It baffles me when people play victim when they have done the hurting. It annoys me when people ignore boundaries. It insults me when they blame my boundaries as the problem for their unhappiness. 

I am still growing as an adult. I’m 22, I’ve got time to make a million more mistakes and cross the line and apologize for it. Again, this is just something I will tell my therapist.